To Be Frank

My Own Happy Slip

2006-12-28T08:16:00.000-08:00

So...
I want to get a tattoo.
I've been thinking about it
for over a year now,
and I think
I'm pretty serious
about getting this.
I want hide-sama's face
on my back.
Big.
But I have to wait until
I'm eighteen.
Maybe I'll change my mind,
but, hey,
it'd be cool, right?

Okay, so.
I just got done watching all of this
one girl's videos
on her website.
It's so awesome
how she got so "famous"
just by making a short video.
No. I'm not talking about
Lonelygirl15. XDD
Although, I did very much
enjoy those, too.
I'm talking about the one
and only HappySlip.
Otherwise known as
Cristine (Not sure
if I spelled that right or not...).
It just really makes me wish
I hadn't left my camera at home...

Kay.
Guess I'll post more later.

2006-12-27T13:02:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking about
getting my own domain again
so it won't be
blogger.

Full of Possibilities

2006-12-27T11:41:00.000-08:00

Okay... So... Last time I posted something...
I was kind of being a bitch.
I agree,
a good half of the problem
in our last fight
was me.
And I feel terrible
about the last line.

But I won't delete it.

I'll forgive...
But I won't forget.

Which is the new motto of the month,
apparently.

Really...
Life's okay right now.
Not too hectic.
I'm really excited to be going
back to school.
I miss people.
I need new ones.
I didn't get an iPod,
like I had asked for, for Christmas.
But I got a MP3/Video/Picture displayer thing
which was really awesome.
Problem?
It only held 34 songs.
How in HELL am I supposed
to get by with only 34 songs?
So... we're taking it back
tomorrow
and I'm getting an iPod. ^__^

I've been at my dad's the last few days,
and I think I'm staying
until Friday.
Because Michele's going
to a book store
and, of course,
I'm dying to go, too.
I need new books.

I got this purse for Christmas,
and I think it's the greatest invention EVER.
It's pink with
red, yellow, blue, orange and white
ameba looking things all over it.
Very cute.
Very much my style.
Which is great
because this year was
supposed to be a really bad Christmas.
It turned out okay, though.
I got my guitar.
It's very lovely,
and I spent all day yesterday
learning how to play
a Terra Naomi song.
I think I have it memorized by now.

My eyes hurt.
More than usual.
I can't keep them fixed on
one thing.
Like, I can't focus.
And it kind of scares me.
o.0
Because, sometimes,
I think, what if I'm going blind?
Melissa has bad eyesight.
And so does Keirstin.
I only ever needed to wear
glasses when I was reading.
But now, no matter what
I'm doing,
it's a struggle.
I have to squint and
close my eyes and reopen them
to get pictures right.
And, every night,
when I'm trying to fall asleep,
I have to open them
because, even though my eyes
are closed,
it feels like their crossing.

Enough already about my problems.
Time for excitement.
School.
I'm so ready, it's scary.
I'm just a little worried,
because I'll be a whole grading
period behind everyone else.
Guess I'll just have to work
twice as hard
because I... need to buckle down.
My grades weren't quite so hot
last grading period
and I have college to worry about.
They're going to look
at my high school carrier and say,
"it took her two years
to really get into the groove.
Do we really want her here?"
Of course they do.
I'm actually quite smart.
I don't have a problem in any subject, really,
except math.
I can't do anything outloud.
I have to write everything down.
If I don't see it,
I just can't do it.
Mrs. Hodge nearly laid me on my deathbed
in eigth grade, making us say times tables
out loud.
With no paper.
I don't see why teachers
don't understand
that I can't just... do it.
If it's on paper, no problem.
I'm a math whizz.

How'd I end up talking about
problems again?
I guess that's what blogs are for, though,
right?
I'm supposed to put
personal information on the internet
for complete strangers to read
and I'll bet everything in my back pocket
no one even reads this.

Maybe I'll start putting links up
every where I post something?
My blog matters, kinda, ya'know?
I could show teenage girls something.
I could be... like a role model,
except opposite.
Don't end up like me.

I died my hair pink.
And I hate it.
So... I'm going to dye it...
GUESS!!!
Dark blonde.
Like Hilary Duff's in
the Perfect Man.
I love her hair color in that
movie.
And I know I look okay
as a blonde because,
up until seventh grade,
I was platinum blonde.
Oh, those were fun times.
That was forever ago, though.
So I might not look so hot.
But, hey, I'm entering
a new chapter of my life.
I need a new hair color to match
the new me.
It has to be fierce,
yet laid back,
and strong,
but soft.
And, to me, this hair color
just represents everything I want to be.
Everything I'm going to be,
starting January 3rd, I think.
I still have a couple days
to be lazy as hell. ;)

Maybe I'll actually be buckled down enough
to actually blog every now and again.

Maybe.

"Don't get snippy with me"

2006-11-12T15:18:00.000-08:00

I am so...
frustated.
So, Katie and I are arguing
(yes, I know, AGAIN).
And -I- was the one who was mad.
-I- was the one who was hurt.
And she's slowly turning it
all around
so it will be all my fault.
She said something mean.
So, of course,
I responded in telling her
how mean in was.
How pissed off
it made me
and how she had no right
to say it.
And she apologizes...
"But," she added.
I don't even have to put what she
said afterwards.
Just the fact that
she couldn't admit that,
this time,
she was wrong,
and I wasn't the one
at fault.
It was her.
And she can't take that.
AND she just said
that it wasn't fair
that I was holding this
against her.
That she's never held
anything
against me.
And then brought up the time
I told her
I hated her.
And it's suddenly becoming
so clear
why I said it
in the first place.

Angst, angst, angst...

2006-11-12T08:38:00.000-08:00

Wow.
I haven't posted
in a very long time.
But I figured
I'd go ahead
since my life sucks
so hard
right now.
I'm homeschooled.
Because Mom won't
let me go back to Doss.
Albeit,
it was my idea to leave.
But when I got a feel
of how much worse off
I was not going to Doss,
I asked to go back.
And she said, "No."
So,
there's no more Doss.
No more lunch with
two of my closest friends.
No more bus rides home
cracking up with
another of my closest friends.
I had FINALLY found
good, well-rounded,
nice people
who liked me for me
and actually wanted to spend
time with me
whenever they could
and I had it ripped from me.
I had good friends.
I still have them, yeah.
But I don't get to talk to
them like I used to.
Unfair.
So, yes.
I spend every single day baby-sittng
Kasia.
I spend everyday worrying
about not being able to see
anyone at all over the weekend
because, if I'm not around to be included in plans,
I won't be included at all.
And I hate that.
It scares me, you know?
Because...
if everyone I was close to
before
get close to each other...
they won't need me...
On top of all of this crazy
"being left out" shit,
Katie keeps saying I don't want
to be her friend
because I don't ever call.
No one understands how hard
it is
to listen to someone complain
about their school day
when I would give anything
to switch places with them.
You know the stupid part about it all?
Katie doesn't ever call me.
I'm constantly sitting around,
waiting on the phone to ring
or a good show that
has nothing to do with
teenagers trying to make it
through highschool to come on
the television
and the only time the phone -does-
ring,
it's Cristina.
Because, frankly, as far as I can see,
she's the only one left that really
wants to be my friend.
She's trying
with everything in her
not to make this the end of our relationship.
But, when my life is going down the drain,
when I'm the one in the middle of a crisis,
when I'm the one who doesn't want to
wake up in the morning because I know
that they only friend I'll see
is my mom,
I'm also the one being
stabbed through the heart because
I'm the one, apparently,
who doesn't want to be anyone's friend.
UNFAIR.
I know,
I'll feel bad if Katie
ever reads this,
but it's how I feel.
And she should know that
she isn't the only one
with problems
who needs someone to call
and make the connection.
She isn't the only one...

2006-08-08T12:15:00.000-07:00

Okay.
So...
I
can't
stop
crying.
No matter how hard I try
or where I go
or who I'm in front of
or who I'm talking to.
It
just
won't
stop.
My mom says it isn't my fault.
But I never really thought it was.
I just... I can't make myself stop.
It just keeps going and going
and I'm worn out because I'm crying
so much.
And I won't stop shaking.
It's kind of scary.
I shouldn't be crying this hard.
All that happened was that Kasia
wouldn't stop crying.
She just... kept going on and on
and nothing I did helped.
It didn't make it any better
that they had left me alone with her.
They said they'd be right back.
Right back.
Just five minutes...
It was longer than five minutes.
I left a little after two to go over there
and when he finally got back,
I was only in my room for twenty minutes
and I'm back here at 3:41.
Which means it was much longer
than five minutes.
So... yes.
It isn't stopping.

Yes, it's a little while later
and it's finally stopped.
I'm laughing and everything.
But I still have no clue what happened
to me.
Freaky.
But, yes.
Anyway.
All better. ^_^

2006-08-05T20:57:00.000-07:00

Izza: I am, without a single doubt, the winner of the cutest pigtails ever award
Izza: ^_^
cherrypwnz: I bet you are.
cherrypwnz: Here's what I want to say: I have never felt so strongly about one person in my entire life.
cherrypwnz: I have never wanted to be so close to someone like this before.
Izza: ^_^;; That's really nice... But... Mushy stuff makes me kinda uncomfortable. >_>;; I never know how to react to stuff like this
cherrypwnz: I hope this makes sense...
cherrypwnz: Ah.
cherrypwnz: Mushy. Sokay.
cherrypwnz: Eh, forget it...
Izza: Sorry...
cherrypwnz: Eh, it's okay.
cherrypwnz: I think I understand anyway.
Izza: That's good. ^_^;; Most people don't. I can hardly even watch it in movies... When it gets all serious like that...
cherrypwnz: Yeah, I get it.
cherrypwnz: Do you ever feel the same way, though *cringe*
Izza: *shrugs* I'm fifteen. I don't really know what I feel. I... can't exactly say that... I love you more than I've loved people before... I'd... be kind of lying...
cherrypwnz: I probably am an idiot for asking such a stupid question.
Izza: *shakes head*
Izza: No, you aren't.
cherrypwnz: I'd be lying if I said the same, too.
Izza: ...So you lied... "I have never felt so strongly about one person in my entire life."
cherrypwnz: Well, I meant in a romantic way.
Izza: I don't know... We're still so young... We shouldn't have to decide stuff like this right now. Who we love more than other's or if we even -do- love someone more than someone else. We're supposed to be having fun.
cherrypwnz: I guess that's true.
cherrypwnz: Jesus Christ, I feel like such a douchebag now.
Izza: o.o Why?
cherrypwnz: Because I am
Izza: Not that I understand at all... but... okay...
cherrypwnz: Yeah, I'm weird like that.
cherrypwnz: Oh well, we should just forget I said anything at all. It was a bit of a dumbass move to begin with.
cherrypwnz: Do you kinda understand now?
Izza: Not really... But whatever. Doesn't matter.
cherrypwnz: It doesn't?
cherrypwnz: Okay.
Izza: Well, you're the one who wants it not to matter, right? Because you want to just forget it. So, no. It doesn't.

I really don't know what to make of all of this... Because... Well... I'm not sure... But I thought I'd shared it anyway. *sighs* I'm worn out with relationships...

hideto-love

2006-08-05T20:47:00.000-07:00

The hide tribute music video I just made. ^_^

Rant-ified Homicide

2006-08-04T20:28:00.000-07:00

Yeah.
So I'm having a few difficulties with life.
Not that I can't handle them.
It's just that...
it's hard...
I had this really great friend, right?
And we kept getting into fights.
At first, I was all,
best friends get into fights
all of the time.
So it's okay.
But it kept happening.
Every week, we were in an argument.
Every single week.
It got to the point where
I didn't want to talk to her
because I would say something wrong
or she would.
And we'd fight.
So...
A couple of arguments later,
and I'm completely fed up.
I don't want to be around someone
that I can't be civil with, ya'know?
Well, this last fight we had...
It was the last straw for me.
I was done.
Didn't care what anyone thought
or said to me.
I was just... done.
Which wouldn't be so bad...
but someone (I name no names)
has told me that she's holding
this huge grudge against me
and hates my guts.
But I'm being the bigger person.
I said, "Okay.
I'm not going to be
a bitch in this situation.
We aren't going to be friends
but I'm not going to talk about her behind
her back. Not like she's
doing to me."
I don't care who I'm talking to,
I don't talk about people like that.
I don't like it.
And I don't like it when other people do.
I clam up and get quiet.
And usually, I'll just give short answers.
Like, "Yeah." and "I know."
Because, hey, for all I know,
if someone's willing to talk about someone
behind their back,
what qualms would they have
with talking about me...?
None.
Which is why I don't like it.
So, yes.
I'm without one friend.
But... frankly...
I'm kind of okay with it...
Every friendship is doomed to end
at some point.
So this one ended before anyone
seriously got hurt.
What's the harm in that?

On to other topics,
Cristina asked me if I felt
guilty about anything I've done recently.
And, of course, I don't.
Because I haven't done anything wrong.
Which made me think,
why would she even ask?
Which also reminded me,
she's been talking to my boyfriend lately.
Not that I care.
I know Cristina better
than anyone
and I know she would
-never- even -think- about hurting me.
So, I don't mind.
But it's the fact that...
He may have told her to ask me.
Which would piss me off so much.
If you can't talk to me...
What's the point in having a relationship?

He was over the other day.
And he goes, "Guess what."
Naturally, I asked, "What?"
And he says, "I love you."
And I'm all, "Well, you better."
And he thinks I'm trying to say,
in some amazing female language
that I don't feel the same.
And he says, "You know,
if you don't feel the same,
don't lie to yourself.
You don't have to say it back to me."
So I go, "Okay."
It isn't that I don't.
It's just the fact that
I don't need to be reassured of someone's
feelings for me every fifteen minutes.
I want to know that,
if we should break up,
I can rely on myself.
And not need to constantly
hear that someone loves me.
I mean, great.
Lovely.
Maybe I love you, too.
But I don't feel the need to have
to say it all of the time.
Goodbye, sure.
I love you.
But not, hey, there's a blank
in the conversation.
I love you.
That makes it kind of cheap, ya'know?
I know I'm only in high school
and I'm still a kid myself
but I don't want to be treated like a little girl.
>____<
I don't know.
I'm not even sure if I'm actually mad about this.
I'm just pissed off all together.

But I'm really excited at the moment
for Bunni. ^_^
She's going to a birthday party of a
girl she has a crush on
and I'm so excited for her...
I hope everything works out for her,
I really, really do.
Love ya, Bunni!
And to anyone who actually reads this bull.
Thanks. It means a lot. ^_^

2006-06-21T19:39:00.000-07:00

Missed church. Cristina isn't having a good day.
Bummer.
But I stayed home.
Talked to mom for a good few hours.
I love that woman.
Nate's sister brought her baby over.
She's grown a lot.
But Kasia is just as long. She's a month
younger. Weird, right?
Yeah, well...

So I'm talking to Bunni
and she sends me a link to youtube
for this band called SID.
And I fall in love almost immediately.
So, she sends me another link
and I'm listening.
The track is oddly familiar.
And I'm like, "Wtf? Where
have I heard this before?"
when I realize, it's on
my MP3 players. But I've never heard
of this band before.
Weird, right?
Yeah.
But it's cool.
Now, I know who they are.
Thanks, Bunni! ^____^ <<3

I'm still all itchy
and paranoid.
Everytime my hair moves, I flinch.
Scary.

Watching another SID video.
They're all so adorable. <<3
And the bassist has really, really hot legs.
XDDD
That's love. *nods*
Extremely hot legs love.
Aww... Now one where he's being all
cute and shy.
But, I must say,
I think the lead singer is
the cutest.
And, no, not just because
Bunni has already claimed
the bassist. XDDD
>> << >> << >> << >>
The bassist is really hot, though.

Well... I'mma cut a long say short
and book it. Love to all
who read this. <<3

2006-06-21T14:08:00.000-07:00

I've got to leave soon
to get ready for church.
It isn't really that I don't want to go.
Because, seriously, I do.
I want to see Cris and everybody again
but I.. just don't feel much like
doing anything at all. >___<
And it sucks because I have no choice.
I have half an hour to get ready
so I really shouldn't be over here
but I don't want to move.

One of my aunt's cats has flees.
And I'm, like, highly allergic to any
bug bite.
And I keep getting biten.
So I'm all itchy and swollen.
Yay.
To be frank, I wouldn't have come
back over here if I wasn't trying to get
a hold of Cristina.
But I stayed. And I know I'll regret it
when I'm trying to go to sleep
because I'll be all itchy.
This sucks.
Big time.

Anyway, I have to go now.
Already spent too much time.
Love to all who read this! ^___^

2006-06-20T21:25:00.000-07:00

Hm... I'm doing much better today. Got in another fight with Laura but... hey... I'm not going to let it bring me down. But... Something bugs me... She says I'm fighting with her because of our break up. Which I'm not. >____< It kind of made me mad.

Anyway, on a MUCH brighter note, I made a new friend today! *prances about* Her name's Bunni and she is SERIOUSLY the awesome. We have -so- much in common, it's almost scary. But, then, all of us fangirls are actually clones of each other. *nods* Yeah. She likes rping, yaoi, and J-rock. What isn't there to love? XDD

Yoshiki's going to Otakon... I wish I could go SO badly. I would seriously kill to see him. I sent him a message on myspace. Really heartfelt and stuff. But, hey, my lucky boat has already hit shore. I'm seeing Dir en grey this summer and, to be frank, that's quite enough for me. I'm SO FUCKING EXCITED! I can't believe it. I hope they allow cameras and stuff... Because I will take so many pictures... Gah. Poor Bunni can't go because they canceled the show she was supposed to go to. *tear*

Yeah, well, anyway... Katie and I are doing an AWESOME sex scene between Die and Shin. And my ass kind of hurts from sitting here all damned day. x______X So... yeah... I'mma book it. <<3

2006-06-18T20:21:00.000-07:00

So it's been a while. A long, long while, in fact. And, finally, I have something to write about. I fucked up. Big time. And, yippe... it's a blog... I think I'll elaborate.

I'll repeat. I FUCKED UP. And... There is no way to explain how sorry I am... I know it was no big deal. Just a small slip up. But... no one understands how bad I feel about it... Okay, on to the explaining. So, I'm kind of upset, right? I have a friend who said something. She swears up and down to my friends that she didn't say it but won't deny it when she talks to me. She just says, "I don't remember saying it". And she's been hurting me so much recently. She's started rumors about me before so I have reason to believe this one. So, we're talking and I'm kind of holding back because I'm still mad. And she goes, "What's wrong with you?" To which I answered, "Nothing." And she goes on to say I'm acting like I'm mad at her. On the other side of the 'net, I'm all, "WHO THE FUCK ISN'T MAD AT YOU RIGHT NOW?!" We argue for a minute or two and I block her.

Then, one of my bestfriends tries to get me to unblock her but, hey, I'm done. I'm through. But I'm really worried. Because I don't want her to take the other girl's side. So, I'm talking to my other best friend, Katie about it. And I'm all, "Cristina is the one friend I couldn't survive without" and, while I'm trying to explain why I feel this way, it hits me... I couldn't survive without Katie either... And... it hurt so bad... No one understands how badly I hurt myself ((emotionally, people)) because I said that. I didn't mean it... I mean... I did when I said it. But that was before I really thought about it. And... no matter how much I tried to explain what I was feeling, the more it seemed she couldn't understand or didn't believe it. And it got to the point where the only thing she was saying was, "It's fine." or "Don't worry about it" and I needed to hear something more... So I was all, "Come on, Katie. I need to hear something compassionate. I don't even care if you tell me you hate me. Just something other than 'it's fine' or 'don't worry'." And she says in response, "I could never hate you. Even if you made me cry." Which made me wonder if she was crying. Lord knows, I had been crying since an hour before... But... it hurt... so much... To know that I was the one who made her cry... Because... I love her so much... And I -couldn't- live without her...

And... Katie... if you're reading this... You HAVE to know it's true... It's in my blog... XDD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

2006-05-02T18:28:00.000-07:00

Yeah... first post... Spent about an hour changing text around... This layout is flippin awesome. *praises the creator* Erm... Yeah... I'm still sick. Which sucks. I haven't been to school since Friday and I'm only going to school one day this week because tomorrow, I'm going to find out what's wrong with me ((finally)). Which... I'm kind of scared... Iunno... It's weird to think I'll finally know, ya'know?

Well... I'm certain I don't have too much time left on the computer and Katie and I are in the middle of a "drama llama" in our roleplay/story thing ((GO READ WHAT WE'VE POSTED IN MY LINKS)). Yeah.. so... I'm out.